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Contributed by Bill Hopkins, Walnut Grove Club :

 

BEST blonde joke so far ....... 

 

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down. The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"

 

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?" 

"Not for me. I'll be spending the next three hours fixing my truck. My problem is I've got two chimpanzees in the back which have to be taken to the San Diego Zoo. They're a bit stressed already so I don't want to keep them on the road all day. Could you possibly take them to the zoo for me? I'll give you $100 for your trouble."

 

"I'd be happy to," said the blonde. So the two chimpanzees were ushered into the back seat of the blonde's car and carefully strapped into their seat belts, and off they went.

 

Five hours later, the truck driver was driving through the heart of San Diego when suddenly he was horrified! There was the blonde walking down the street, holding hands with the two chimps, much to the amusement of a big crowd. With a screech of brakes he pulled off the road and ran over to the blond. "What the hell are you doing here?" he demanded, "I gave you $100 to take these chimpanzees to the zoo."

 

"Yes, I know you did," said the blonde,"but we had money left over so now we're going to Sea World." 

 

 

 

 

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar. After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, 'I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from

Sweden.'

The other guy responds proudly, 'Yes, that I am!'

 

The first guy says, 'So am I! And where about from Sweden might you be'?

The other guy answers, 'I'm from Stockholm, I am.'

 

The first guy responds, 'So am I!'

'Sure and begorra. And what street did you live on in Stockholm The other guy says, 'A lovely little area it was.  I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.'

 

The first guy says, 'Faith and it's a small world. So did I! So did I!  And to what school would you have been going'?

The other guy answers, 'Well now, I went to St. Mary's, of course.'

 

The first guy gets really excited and says, 'And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate'?

 

The other guy answers, 'Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1984.'

 

The first guy exclaims, 'The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can

hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you

believe it? I graduated from St. Mary's in 1984 my own self!'

 

About this time, Vicky walks into the bar, sits down and orders a beer.

 

Brian, the bartender, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters,

'It's going to be a long night tonight.' 

Vicky asks, 'Why do you say that, Brian'?

 

'The Sedin twins are pissed again.'

 

Contributed by Bill Hopkins :

Newfies

Another one of life's mysteries explained quite simply:

 

An American tourist asks a Newfie:

 

"Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?" 

 

To which the Newfie replies:

 

"Lord tunderin' Jesus, you must be stunned as me arse. If they fell forwards, they'd still be in the  boat!"

 

 

Contributed by Bill Hopkins:

Mechanics

A motorcycle mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from the motor of a Harley-Davidson when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

 

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his bike when the mechanic shouted across the garage,

 

"Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?"

 

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.

 

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them back in, and when I finish, it works just like new.

 

"So how come I make $39,675 a year and you make $1,695,000 when you and I are doing basically the same work?"

 

The cardiologist paused, leaned over, and then whispered to the mechanic,

 

"Try doing it with the engine running."

Art Anderson 01/16/11:  

 

 Lemon Squeeze

There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said, 'Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.' 

The priest said, 'Confess your sins and be forgiven.' 

The young woman said, 'Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times.' 

The priest thought long and hard and then said, 'Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink the juice.' 

The young woman asked, 'Will this cleanse me of my sins?' 

The priest said, 'No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face.' 

 

Looks of Disappointment

 

A man was just waking up from anesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.' Then he fell asleep again.

His wife had never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute..' The wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now 'cute.'

She asked, 'What happened to beautiful?' 

The man replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'  

 

Catholic Dog

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, 'Father, my dog is dead... Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'

Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church.... But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'

Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?' 

Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic? 

 

Donation 

Father O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?' 

'It is!' 

'This is the IRS. Can you help us?' 

'I can!' 

'Do you know a Ted Houlihan?' 

'I do!' 

'Is he a member of your congregation?' 

'He is!' 

'Did he donate $10,000 to the church?' 

'He will.' 

 

Confession 

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues: 

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?' 

Man: 'What sins?' 

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?' 

Man: 'I'm Jewish.' 

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?' 

Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!' 

 

Brothel Trip 

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.  Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is. 

'I'm 90 years old,' he says. 

'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?' 

'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?' 

 

Senility

An elderly man went to his doctor and said, 'Doc, I think I'm getting senile.. Several times lately, I have forgotten to zip up.' 

'That's not senility,' replied the doctor. 'Senility is when you forget to zip down.' 

 

Pest Control 

A woman was having a passionate affair with an Irish inspector from a pest-control company.. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.

'Quick,' said the woman to the lover, 'into the closet!' and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked. 

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.. 

'Who are you?' he asked him.

'I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,' said the exterminator. 

'What are you doing in there?' the husband asked.. 

'I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,' the man replied. 

'And where are your clothes?' asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said, 'Those little bastards!'.. 

 

 Marriage Humour 

  Wife:          'What are you doing?'  

Husband:      Nothing. 

Wife:          'Nothing...?  You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.' 

Husband:       'I was looking for the expiration date.'   

 

Dinner Humour

Wife :       'Do you want dinner?'   

Husband:       'Sure! What are my choices?'   

Wife:          'Yes or no.'      

   

Stress Reliever 

 

Girl:       'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.'   

Boy:       'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'   

Girl:       'Well that's because we aren't married yet.' 

 

Bad Dad Humour 

Son:       'Mum, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'  

Mom:    'Well, you have done the right thing.'

Son:       'But mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.'   

 

Newly Married Humour

A newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?'  

'Honey,' the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!'   

 

Humour Humour

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?' 

He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!'  

 

Husbands are husbands Humour

A man was sitting reading his papers when his wife hit him round the head with a frying pan. 

'What was that for?' the man asked. 

The wife replied 'That was for the piece of paper with the name Jenny on it that I found in your pants pocket'.. 

The man then said 'When I was at the races last week Jenny was the name of the horse I bet on' the wife apologized and went on with the housework.. 

Three days later the man is watching TV when his wife bashes him on the head with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him unconscious. 

Upon re-gaining consciousness the man asked why she had hit again. 

Wife replied.. 'Your horse phoned' 

 

Contributed by Bill Hopkins 10/09/10:

Here's your chuckle for the day... 

  The Pirate.....

 

 A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible."

 

"What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine."

 

"What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before."

 

"Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon ball, but I'm fine now."

 

The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?"

 

The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really."

 

"What about that eye patch?"

 

"Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them pooped in my eye."

 

"You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird poop  ."

 

"It was my first day with the hook."

 

Contributed by Bill Hopkins 10/04/10:

A Newfie walked into a bank in Toronto and asked for the loans officer..

He told the loans officer that he was going to Newfoundland on business for

two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000, however he was not a depositor of the bank.

 

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Newfie handed over the keys to a new

Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank.  The Newfie

produced the title and everything checked out. The loan officer agreed to hold

the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

 

Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at

the Newfie for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parked it. Two weeks later, the Newfie returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07.

The loan officer said, 'Sir, we are

very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out

very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you

out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would

you bother to borrow $5,000?'

 

The Newfie replied: 'Where else in Toronto can I park my car for two

weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?'

 

Ah, Newfies..... See! Salt Beef is good for the brain.

Contributed by Igor: 09/30/10:

Men's Age as Determined by a Trip to Home Depot

 

You are in the middle of some kind of project around the house-mowing the lawn, putting in a new fence, painting the living room, or whatever. You are hot and sweaty, covered in dirt or paint. You have your old work clothes on. You know the outfit - shorts with the hole in the crotch, old T-shirt with a stain from whom knows what, and an old pair of tennis shoes.

Right in the middle of this great home improvement project you realize you need to run to Home Depot to get something to help complete the job.

Depending on your age you might do the following:  

 

In your 20's:

Stop what you are doing.  Shave, take a shower, blow dry your hair, brush your teeth, floss, and put on clean clothes.  Check yourself in the mirror and flex.  Add a dab of your favorite cologne because you never know, you just might meet some hot chick while standing in the checkout lane.  And you went to school with the pretty girl running the register.

In your 30's:  

Stop what you are doing, put on clean shorts and shirt.  Change shoes. You married the hot chick so no need for much else. Wash your hands and comb your hair.  Check yourself in the mirror.  Still got it.  Add a shot of your favorite cologne to cover the smell.  The cute girl running the register is the kid sister to someone you went to school with.

In your 40's:

Stop what you are doing.  Put on a sweatshirt that is long enough to cover the hole in the crotch of your shorts. Put on different shoes and a hat.  Wash your hands.  Your bottle of Brute Cologne is almost empty so you don't want to waste any of it on a trip to Home Depot. Check yourself in the mirror and do more sucking in than flexing. The spicy young thing running the register is your daughter's age and you feel weird thinking she is spicy. 

In your 50's: 

Stop what you are doing.  Put a hat on, wipe the dirt off your hands onto your shirt.  Change shoes because you don't want to get dog doo-doo in your new sports  car.  Check yourself in the mirror and you swear not to wear that shirt anymore because it makes you look fat.  The Cutie running the register smiles when she sees you coming and you think you still have it.  Then you remember the hat you have on is from Buddy's Bait & Beer Bar and it says, 'I Got Worms.'

 In your 60's:

Stop what you are  doing.  No need for a hat anymore.  Hose the dog doo-doo off your shoes.  The mirror was shattered when you were in your 50's.  You hope you have underwear on so nothing hangs out the hole in your pants.  The girl running the register may be cute, but you don't have your glasses on so you are not sure.    

In your 70's:

Stop what you are doing.  Wait to go to Home Depot until the drug store has your prescriptions ready, too.  Don't even notice the dog doo-doo on your shoes. The young thing at the register smiles at you because you remind her of her grandfather.

In your 80's: 

Stop what you are doing.  Start again.  Then stop again.  Now you remember you needed to go to Home Depot. Go to  Wal-Mart instead and wander around trying to think what it is you are looking for. Fart out loud and you think someone called out your name. You went to school with the old lady who greeted you at the front door.

In your 90's & beyond: 

What's a home deep hoe?  Something for my garden?  Where am I?  Who am I?  Why am I reading this?  Did I send it? Did you? Who farted? 

 

Contributed by Bill Hopkins 06/22/10: 

REPLACEMENT WINDOWS:

Last year I replaced all the windows in my house with that

expensive double-pane energy efficient one (recommended by  

Power Smart) and today I got a call from the contractor who installed them. 

 

He was complaining that the work had been completed a whole year ago and  

I still hadn't paid for them. Hellloooo .....just because I'm blonde  

doesn't mean that I am automatically stupid.

 

So, I told him just what his fast-talking sales guy had told me

last year: that in ONE YEAR these windows would pay for themselves!

Hellloooo ...... It's been a year! I told him.

 

There was only silence at the other end of the line, so I

finally just hung up. He never called back. I bet he felt like an  

idiot!

Contributed by Jim & Diane Brown: 

     DON'T LAUGH, THIS COULD HAPPEN TO YOU.

Biker and His Babe !

This is what happens when your kids take away your car keys!!!!!

No good deed goes unrewarded!  This will charge your battery.

One bitterly cold winter's day a police patrolman came across a motorcyclist who was swathed in protective clothing and helmet, stalled by the roadside.  "What's the matter?" asked the policeman.

"Carburetor's frozen!" was the terse reply. 

"Pee on it.  That'll thaw it out!" he replied. 

"I can't" 

"OK. Watch and I'll show you"

 

The constable lubricated the carburetor as promised.   The bike started and the rider rode off waving. 

A few days later the chief constable received a note of thanks from the father of the motorcycle rider. 

 

It began "On behalf of my daughter who recently was stranded - - - - - "

Contributed by Ian MacPherson.  03/07/10:

"Yippee!"  "Got any recipes?" 

The  photo of my Bear Hunt finally came back.

 This is my first Bear and I gotta say, he really did not want to become my dinner, I swear it almost sounded like he was pleading with me when I finished him off, almost Human, man, that was weird. I always thought that if you surprised a bear, they could be dangerous but this one, I almost think he tried to get away rather than fight. Mind you, he couldn't have  been  too bright to show up at a gun fight, armed only with a claw and a snaggled old tooth.

Probably too much meat for Mona and myself so if you want any, let me know and I'll butcher it accordingly. I wonder if it's diet would "taint" the meat as I got him coming out the back door of the A&W ,  God only knows what he'd been eating, hopefully no trans fats.

I may try smoking some as I have been told that it tastes just like pork, "geeze!" those thighs will make some pretty good eatin'. You can bet I'll be barbequing most of the summer.

 

Contributed by Ian MacPherson.  03/01/10:  

"Ahola" (that's hello from the "Big Rock", the one on the left) 

 I wonder if you could be so kind as to "post" these photos for me taken at the Feb. Meeting.

You'll probably notice that we have our own "Olympic Torch", unfortunately, once Harry got  hold of it he wouldn't let go of the damn thing, said he would prepare lunch since he had the "heat". Thank goodness it had run out of gas the day before so we were all safe and got to order from the menu. 

I hope everyone enjoyed the opening ceremonies of the Olympics as much as I did. I have to be honest, I was a little "emotional" as it all unfolded. The First Nation's People"s welcoming of everyone was spectacular, I am still impressed as to how those Elders were able to dance for that length of time.

The bit when the Orcas were swimming across the floor, unbelievable. 

I was aware that there is a whole lot of technical talent in Vancouver but I had no idea, really, I'm still in awe. I'm not too much of a sports person but since we are all going to be paying for this "Olympic Party" for a long, long time, I figure I better see as much as I can even if I don't completely understand what I am seeing, Mona does try to explain it to me but personally, I think it is a lost cause. It's the "old dog ~ new tricks" thing. 

That's it for now, hope you are all enjoying this "Global Warming / El Nino" thing as much as I am. Hell, I even had to mow my lawn last week, not sure if that is a good thing or not but it puts us that much closer to "riding season" and that is definitely a good thing.  Take care.

Contributed by the MacPhersons.  Posted 10/23/09:

Bed sheets 

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.  In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck Is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost."  

Happy Halloween

 

 

 

Posted by F. R. Geta - Boudit 10/23/09:

The guys were all at a Moose camp.  

No one wanted to room with Mike, because he snored so badly. 

They decided it wasn’t fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. 

 

The first guy slept with Mike and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot.

They said, “Man, what happened to you?” 

He said, “Mike snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him sleep all night.”

 

The next night it was a different guy’s turn. In the morning, same thing--hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot.  

They said, “Man, what happened to you? You look awful!” He said, ‘Man, that Mike shakes the roof with his snoring. I stayed up and watched him sleep all night.” 

 

The third night was Rick’s turn. Rick was a well-traveled, older hunter; a man’s man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. “Good morning!” he said. They couldn’t believe it.

They said, “Man, what happened?” He said, “Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Mike into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night...

 Mike sat up and watched me sleep all night.”

 

 

 

Posted by F. R. Geta - Boudit 10/23/09:

A new Wal-Mart opened in Davenport, Iowa .  It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh.  Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and the smell of fresh rain.

 When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and you experience the scent of fresh mown hay.

 In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.

 When you approach the egg case, you hear hens cluck and cackle, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.

 The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread & cookies.

 I don't buy toilet paper there anymore. 

 

Posted by F. R. Geta - Boudit 12/10/08:

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. 

 

She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the

newspaper for a ranch hand.   Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. 

 

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him 

around the house than the drunk.   He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching.

 

For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.  Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels.'   The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. 

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.

 

She quietly called him over to her. 'Unbutton my blouse and take it  off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. 

'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly. 

'Now take off my socks.'  He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. 

'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. 

'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

 

Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired.'

 

(P.S. I didn't see it coming, either.)

 

Who Ate the Porridge?

 

Possibly, a far more accurate account of the events of that fateful

morning....

 

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table. 

He looks into his small bowl. It is empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?' he squeaks. 

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his big bowl and it is also empty. 'Who's been eating my porridge?!?' he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells, 'For Pete's sake, how many times do I have to go through this with you idiots?

It was Mummy Bear who got up first. It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house. It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee.. It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last night and put everything away. It was Mummy Bear who swept the floor in the kitchen. It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to fetch The newspaper and croissants. It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.  'It was Mummy Bear who walked the bloody dog, cleaned the cat's litter tray, gave them their food, and refilled their water.

'And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence, listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....

 

 

 

 

'I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***%//G PORRIDGE YET!"

 

 

Posted 27/09/2007:

This was sent to me, I usually don't send these things out but this one is truly different, it really "moved me"

Igor

 An amazing elephant story...  

 In 1986, Dan Harrison (see picture above) was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Dan approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Dan worked the wood out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Dan stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled.

Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away. 

Dan never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. 

Twenty years later, Dan was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Dan and his son Dan Jr. were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Dan, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Dan couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Dan summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Dan's legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same elephant.......

Posted by Mark Houston 04/18/07:

Little David was in his 5th grade class when the teacher asked the children what their fathers did for a living. All the typical answers came up fireman, policeman, salesman,etc.

David was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

"My father's an exotic dancer in a gay bar and takes off all his clothes in front of other men. Sometimes, if the offer's really good, he'll go out to  the alley with some guy and make love with him for money."

The teacher, obviously shaken by this statement, hurriedly set the other children to work on some colouring, and took little David aside to ask him, "Is that really true about your father?"

"No," said David, "He plays for the Toronto Maple Leafs but I was too embarrassed to say that in front of the other kids.

Posted by Ian MacPherson 03/24/07:

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat next to the man.

The first man looks very quizzically at the dog and asks why the dog is allowed on the plane. The second man explained that he is a Customs officer and that the dog is a "sniffing dog".  "His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane takes off, and once it has leveled out, the officer says: "Watch this." He tells Sniffer to "search". Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and finally sits very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the officer's arm.   The officer says, "Good boy", and he turns to the man and says: "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land."

"Say, that's pretty neat" replies the first man.  Once again, the officer sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to his seat, and this time, he places TWO  paws on the officer's arm.  The officer says, "That man is carrying cocaine,  so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."  "I like it!" says his seat mate.

The officer then told Sniffer to "search" again.  Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and proceeded to mess all over the place.

The first man is really grossed out by this behavior and can't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that, so he asks the officer   "What's going on?"

The officer nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"

Posted by Lord Nelson 02/28/07:

An elderly couple, who were both widowed, had been going out with each other for a long time. Urged on by their friends, they decided it was finally time to get married.

Before the wedding, they went out to dinner and had a long conversation regarding how their marriage might work. They discussed finances, living arrangements and so on.

Finally, the old gentleman decided it was time to broach the subject of their physical relationship. 

"How do you feel about sex?" he asked, rather trustingly.

"Well," she said, responding very carefully, "I'd have to say, I would like it infrequently."

The old gentleman sat quietly for a moment, then, looking over his glasses, he casually asked, 

"Is that one word or two words?"

Posted by Rick McKee 10/04/06: 

As seen in a Utah newspaper this summer:

Post Date: Aug 7th, 2006

Expire Date:  Sep 6th, 2006

$10,000  2006 Suzuki GSXR 1000

Farmington, UT   84025   -   Aug 7, 2006

2006 Suzuki 1000. This bike is perfect!  It has 1000 miles and has had its 500 mile dealer service. (Expensive) It's been adult ridden, all wheels have always been on the ground. I use it as a cruiser/commuter.  I'm selling it because it was purchased without proper consent of a loving wife.

Apparently "do whatever the f*** you want" doesn't mean what I thought. 

Call me, Steve.   (801)867-8292

 

 

Posted by Tom MacLeod 05/19/06

Subject: Virus Warning 

There is a dangerous virus being passed electronically, orally and by hand.

This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss or anyone else via

any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life

completely.

 

If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take

two good friends to the nearest pub. Purchase the antidote known as

Work-Isolator-Neutralizer-Extractor (WINE). Take the antidote

repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

 

You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5

friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

 

Update: After extensive testing it has been concluded that Best-Equivalent-Extractor-Remedy

(BEER) may be substituted for WINE but may require a more generous application.

____________________________________________

Posted by Rick McKee: 05/16/05

Re: Cowboy Lines That Have Been Ruint'

Top Ten Old West Phrases That Will Never Sound the Same After That Damned Gay Cowboy Movie (Brokeback Mountain):

1."I'm gonna pump you fulla lead!"

2."Give me a stiff one, barkeep!"

3."Don't' fret-----I've been in tight spots before."

4."Howdy, pardner."

5."You stay here while I sneak around from behind."

6.Two words: "Saddle Sore?"

7."Hold it right there! Now, move your hand, reeeeal slow-like"

8."Let's mount up!"

9."Nice spread ya got there!"

10."Ride'em cowboy!"

                _______________________________

Posted by Rick McKee: 03/22/06

Top O' the Morning to you!

Two Irishmen, Patrick & Michael, were adrift in a lifeboat following a

dramatic escape from a burning freighter. While rummaging through the

boat's provisions, Patrick stumbled across an old lamp. Secretly

hoping that a genie would appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously. To the

amazement of Patrick, a genie came forth. This particular genie, however, stated

that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three. Without

giving much thought to the matter, Patrick blurted out, "Make the

entire ocean into Guinness Beer!" The genie clapped his hands with a deafening

crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest brew ever

sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished. Only the gentle

lapping of Guinness on the hull broke the stillness as the two men

considered their circumstances. Michael looked disgustedly at Patrick

whose wish had been granted. After a long, tension-filled moment, he

spoke: "Nice going Patrick! Now we're going to have to pee in the boat!

                        ____________________________

The best one I've read yet - On a Response to Telemarketers!! 

The phone rang as I was sitting down to my evening meal, and as I answered it I was greeted with "Is this Karl Brummer?".

Not sounding anything like my name, I asked who is calling.  

The telemarketer said he was with The Rubber Band Powered Freezer Company or something like that.

Then I asked him if he knew Karl personally and why was he calling this number. 

I then said off to the side, "get some pictures of the body at various angles and the blood smears".

I then turned back to the phone and advised the caller that he had entered a murder scene and must stay on the line because we had already traced this call and he would be receiving a summons to testify in this murder case.

I questioned the caller at great length as to his name, address, phone number at home, at work, who he worked for, how he knew the dead guy and could he prove where he had been about one hour before he made this call.

The telemarketer was getting very concerned and his answers were given in a shaky voice.

 I then told him we had located his position and the police were entering the building to take him into custody.

At that point I heard the phone fall and the scurrying of his running away.

My wife asked me as I returned to our table why I had tears streaming down my face and so help me, I couldn't tell her for about fifteen minutes.  My meal was cold, but it was the best meal in a long, long time!

_____________________________

 

Posted by Russ Cooper: 10/26/05

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him.

The waitress asks for their orders. The man says, "A hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's  yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich.
 
A short time later the waitress returns with the  order. "That will be $9.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again  and the man says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke. "The ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until, the two enter again.  "The usual?" asks the waitress.

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a  steak, baked potato, and salad," says the man. "Same," says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says,  "That will be $32.62."

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer.

"Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always  be there"

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,  " says the man.

The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."


Posted by Ian: 10/22/05

A drunk, who smelled of beer sat down, on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, "Tell me, Father, what causes arthritis?"

The priest replied, "My Son, it is caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and a lack of personal hygiene."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be darned," and returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, put his hand gently on the man's arm and apologized. "I'm sorry.... I should not have come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have arthritis, Father," the drunk replied. "I was just reading here that the Pope does."


Posted by Captain Morgan: 09/14/05

By the time the sailor pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken. 

"You've got to have a room somewhere," he pleaded. "Or just a bed, I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant - an Air Force guy," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I'm not sure it'd be worth it to you."

"No problem," the tired Navy man assured him. "I'll take it." 

The next morning the sailor came down to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed.

 "How'd you sleep?" asked the manager.

"Never better." 

The manager was impressed. "No problem with the other guy snoring?" 

"Nope, I shut him up in no time" said the Navy guy. 

"How'd you manage that?" asked the manager. 

"He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room," the sailor explained. "I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, and said, 'Goodnight, Beautiful,' and he sat up all night watching me."

------------------------------

An old tug boat captain was sitting on a bench near the wharf when a young man walked up and sat down. The young man had spiked hair and each spike was a different color.... green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.

After a while the young man noticed that the captain was staring at him. "What's the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?

The old captain replied, "Got drunk once and married a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son!"


Posted by Russ Cooper: 07/23/05

A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.

"Look!" she said. I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. "And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me."

For her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.

Services will be at Downing funeral home on Monday the 12th, due to the condition of the body; this will be a closed casket service.

Please send your donations to the 'Think before you say things to your wife foundation', Dallas, Texas.


Posted by Ian: 06/27/05

As a result of a near mutiny the overbearing and arrogant captain was forced to see a psychiatrist by order of the commodore.

As soon as the captain became comfortable on the couch, the psychiatrist began the session by asking the captain, "Why don't you start at the beginning?"

The captain said, " Okay. In the beginning I created heaven and the earth......."

-----------------------------

The years had taken their toll on the old sea captain. All those years of hard drinking and life at sea left the old salt with a pot belly sagging butt and a double chin.

Concerned about retirement which was imminent, and wanting to settle down with a pretty wench on land, the sea captain decided to embark on a self improvement program. He went on a diet, exercised and gave up drinking. He lost his gut, firmed up his body and even purchased a toupee; he looked 20 years younger.

During his final voyage his ship came up against a storm and the captain was lost overboard. While the captain was floating in the middle of the ocean he raised his voice to heaven, "God, how could you do this to me on the eve of my retirement ? "

God answered, " To tell you the truth captain, I didn't recognize you!"


Posted by Kait Peters: 05/29/05

Upon reaching 65, old Tom decided to retire. After having him under foot for a few months, his wife became very agitated with him. She suggested he go and do something to occupy himself like join a club or get a hobby.

Old Tom obliged and went out for a couple of hours. When he got home his wife asked about his day and he replied, "Oh, I just went down to the  corner bar and hung out with the guys. And oh yeah, I joined a parachute club."

"What? Are you nuts? You're 65 years old and you're going to start parachuting?"

"Yeah, look I even got a membership card." 

"Old man, you need glasses! This is a membership in a PROSTITUTE CLUB!"

"OH, GREAT! NOW WHAT AM I GONNA DO? I SIGNED UP FOR 5 JUMPS A WEEK!!"


Posted by Kait Peters: 05/12/05

A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female teachers, went on a field trip to the local racetrack  to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry, but mostly to see the horses.

When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.

The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could reach the urinal.

Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants, and began hoisting the little boys up, one by one, as they held onto their "wee wees" to direct the flow away from their clothes.

As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed.

Trying not to show that she was staring, the teacher said, "You must be in the 5th grade."

"No, ma'am," he replied. "I'm the jockey riding Silver Arrow in the seventh."


Posted by Barb Chaplin: 04/22/05

Why did the chicken cross the road?

George W Bush: We don't really care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either against us or for us. There is no middle ground here.

Colin Powell: Now to the left of the screen, you can clearly see the satellite image of the chicken crossing the road.

Hans Blix: We have reason to believe there is a chicken, but we have not yet been allowed to have access to the other side of the road.

Mohammed Aldouri - Iraq Ambassador: The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We do not even have a chicken.

Ralph Nader: The chicken's habitat on the other side of the road had been polluted by unchecked industrial greed. The chicken did not reach the unspoiled habitat on the other side of the road because it was crushed by the wheels of a gas-guzzling SUV.

Pat Buchanan: To steal the job of a decent, hard-working American.

Rush Limbaugh: I don't know why the chicken crossed the road, but I'll bet it was getting a government grant to cross the road, and I'll bet that somebody out there is already forming a support group to help chickens with crossing-the-road syndrome. Can you believe this? How much more of this can real Americans take? Chickens crossing the road paid for by their tax dollars. And when I say tax dollars, I'm talking about your money, money the government took from you to build a road for chickens to cross.

Martha Stewart: No one called me to warn me which way that chicken was going. I had a standing order at the Farmer's Market to sell my eggs when the price dropped to a certain level. No little bird gave me any insider information.

Jerry Falwell: Because the chicken was gay --- isn't it obvious? Can't you people see the plain truth in front of your face? The chicken was going to the 'other side.' That's what they call it - the other side. Yes, my friends, that chicken is gay. And if you eat that chicken, you will become gay, too. I say we boycott all chickens until we sort out this abomination that the liberal media whitewashes with seemingly harmless phrases like "the other side."

Dr Seuss: Did the chicken cross the road? Did he cross it with a toad? Yes, the chicken crossed the road, but why it crossed I've not been told.

Ernest Hemingway: To die in the rain. Alone.

Martin Luther King JR: I envision a world where ALLLLLLLLLLLLllllll chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

Grandpa: In my day, we did not ask why the chicken crossed the road. Somebody told us the chicken crossed the road, and that was good enough

Barbara Walters: Isn't that interesting? In a few moments, we will be listening to the chicken tell, for the first time, the heart-warming story of how it experienced a serious case of molting, and went on to accomplish its life long dream of crossing the road.

John Lennon: Imagine all the chickens in the world crossing roads together - in peace.

Aristotle: It is the nature of chickens to cross the road.

Karl Marx: It was an historic inevitability.

Ronald  Reagan: What chicken?

Captain Kirk: To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.

Sigmund Freud: The fact that you are at all concerned that the chicken crossed the road reveals your underlying sexual insecurity.

Bill Gates: I have just witnessed E-Chicken 2005, which will not only cross roads, but will lay eggs, file your important documents, and balance your checkbook, and Internet Explorer is an integral part of E-Chicken.

Albert Einstein: Did the chicken really cross the road, or did the road move beneath the chicken?

Bill Clinton: I did not cross the road with THAT chicken. What is your definition of chicken?

Al Gore: I invented the chicken.

John Kerry: I did NOT have an affair with that chicken. Well, maybe she called me chicken, but that was long ago...I think.

John Edwards: That chicken cross MAH road and he in the pan!

Howard Dean: I assure a full investigation into WHY George Bush forced that poor chicken across the road. Most likely, it was a Special Ops soldier disguised as a chicken looking for non-existent WMD. Insert the Dean Scream.

The Bible: And God came down from heaven, and he said unto the chicken THOU SHALT CROSS THE ROAD. And the chicken didst cross the road, and there was much rejoicing.

Colonel Sanders: Did I miss one?


Posted by Ron Peterson: 04/12/05

A plane was taking off from St. John's Airport. After it reached comfortable cruising altitude, the captain made an announcement over the intercom:

"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. Welcome to Flight 293, non-stop from St. John's to Toronto. The weather ahead is good and, therefore, we should have a smooth and uneventful flight. Now sit back and relax . . . OH, MY GOD!"

Silence followed. After a few minutes, the captain came back on the intercom. "Ladies and gentlemen," he said, "I am so sorry if I scared you earlier. While I was talking to you, a flight attendant accidentally spilled a cup of hot coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

A Newfoundlander in coach yelled, "That's nothing. You should see the back of mine!"


Posted by Mark Houston: 04/10/05

A tour bus driver drives down a highway with a bus full of seniors.

One of his passengers, a little old lady taps him on his shoulder and offers a handful of peanuts. Hungry, he thanks her and gobbles down the nuts. After 15 minutes the old girl comes back to the front with another handful of peanuts which he downs as well.

The old lady repeats her trip several more times.so the driver asks her why they don't eat the peanuts themselves. She tells him that's not possible because with old teeth eating nuts is very difficult.

"Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled. Whereupon the old lady answers, "We just love the chocolate around them"


Posted by Ron Peterson: 03/16/05

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and was on the verge of being burned out.
 
Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial,  he decided to change careers and become a mechanic. He found out from the local technical college what was involved, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.
 
When the time for the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepared carefully for weeks, and completed the exam with tremendous skill.
 
When the results came back, he was surprised to find that he had obtained a score of 150%. Fearing an error, he called the instructor, saying, "I don't want to appear ungrateful for such an outstanding result , but I wondered if there had been an error which needed adjusting."
 
The instructor said, "During the exam, you took the engine apart perfectly, which was worth 50% of the total mark. You put the engine back together again perfectly, which is also worth 50% of the mark."
 
The instructor went on to say, "I gave you an extra 50% because you did all of it through the muffler."


Posted by Ken Schmidt: 03/15/05

A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door.

The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns to bed.

"Who was that?" asked his wife.

"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers.

"Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!"

"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife.

"Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down and those two guys helped us?

I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself  !"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.

He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes" comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.

"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.


Posted by Kait Peters: 03/14/05

A married couple were in a terrible accident. The woman's face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin from her body because she was just too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would  have to come from his buttocks.

The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honour their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, "Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. How can I possibly repay you?"

"My darling," he replied, "I get all  the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek."


Posted by Barb Chaplin: 01/28/05

A police officer pulls over a speeding car. The officer says, I clocked you at 80 miles per hour, sir." The driver says, "Gee, officer I had it on cruise control at 60, perhaps your radar gun needs calibrating."
 
Not looking up from her knitting the wife says: "Now don't be silly dear, you know that this car doesn't have cruise control."
 
As the officer writes out the ticket, the driver looks over at his wife and growls, "Can't you please keep your mouth shut for once?" The wife smiles demurely and says, "You should be thankful your radar detector went off when it did."
 
As the officer makes out the second ticket for the illegal radar detector unit, the man glowers at his wife and says through clenched teeth, "Darn it, woman, can't you keep your mouth shut?"
 
The officer frowns and says, "And I notice that you're not wearing your seat belt, sir. That's an automatic $75 fine." The driver says, "Yeah, well, you see officer, I had it on, but took it off when you pulled me over so that I could get my license out of my back pocket." The wife says, "Now, dear, you know very well that you didn't have your seat belt on. You never wear your seat belt when you're driving."
 
And as the police officer is writing out the third ticket the driver turns to his wife and barks, "WHY DON'T YOU PLEASE SHUT UP??" The officer looks over at the woman and asks, "Does your husband always talk to you this way, Ma'am?"
 
"Only when he's been drinking." 


Posted by Ian: 01/13/05

Two moose hunters from Texas are flown into a remote lake in Alaska. They have a good hunt and both manage to get a large moose. When the plane returns to pick them up, the pilot looks at the animals and says, "This little plane won't lift all of us, the equipment, and both of those animals. You'll have to leave one. We'd never make it over the trees on the take off."

"That's baloney!" says one of the hunters. "Yeah," the other agrees, "you're just chicken. We came out here last year and got two moose and that pilot had some guts! He wasn't afraid to take off!"

"Yeah", said the first hunter, "and his plane wasn't any bigger than yours!"

The pilot got angry, and said, "Hell, if he did it, then I can do it! I can fly as well as anybody!"

They loaded up, taxied at full throttle, and the plane almost made it, but didn't have the lift to clear the trees at the end of the lake. It clipped the tops, then flipped, then broke up, scattering the baggage, animal carcasses, and passengers all through the brush.

Still alive, but hurt and dazed, the pilot sat up, shook his head to clear it, and said, "Where are we?"

One of the hunters rolled out from being thrown into a bush, looked around and said, "I'd say ... About a hundred yards further than last year."


Posted by Lord Nelson: 01/12/05

A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage. 

He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."

The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter.

The usher looks at the quarter, leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."